I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
