I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
