Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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