I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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