girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
