Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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