and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
