I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
