At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
