Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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