I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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