You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
