Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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