i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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