And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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