yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
