Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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