the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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