just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
