ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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