my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
