period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
