He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
