I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
