I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
