chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
