did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
