I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
