I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize