And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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