On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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