Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
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i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
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I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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