I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
