You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
