dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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