Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
