party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
