Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
is wine microwaveable?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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