Taylor Swift is so right about you.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
