I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
