OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
