Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
