Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
