Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
