So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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