I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
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She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
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We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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