Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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