Soap is not a condiment
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
