I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
