New invention idea: vibrating tampons
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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