take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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