When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
