it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
