The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
