my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize