I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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