We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
