I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
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Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
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I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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