I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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