I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
