Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
