just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
