sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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