The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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